I am just having a real shitty day. I was able to mostly keep everything in check at work and I skipped a break just so I could stay distracted with paperwork but I am just feeling so gorram sad right now. And guilty. And sad. And lonely.
I miss my husband. I miss spending autumn days with him where we would go on walks. Before and after he got sick. I miss baking for someone else. I miss cuddling up to him at night. I miss walking in silence holding his hand. I miss his smell on a jacket he would let me borrow. I miss the changing of the season when he would grow out his beard and it was five different colours all blended on his face.
I miss hearing something besides my own thoughts in this house.
I don't know why I am alive. Why he died. Why he got sick. Why it was brain cancer. Why it wasn't me.
He was a better person in his 28 years than I will be if I live another 50. In 13 months I will have lived longer than he did.
And my birthday is in two weeks. The day we found out it was brain cancer, and he was dying.
My heart and my brain hurt so bad.
I just want a hug. I want his arms around me. I want to believe the lie I told him; that everything would be ok. Because it is not. He's gone but I am not.
I just want him back.