Friday, July 18, 2014

Still Alive

I am stuck at home with Asthmatic Complex Bronchitis right now.

So bored.
I want to be at work. Feeling useful. Like I contribute. 
I want to be helping all the people who need insurance right now.
It's what I do, and I get so much satisfaction from my work.
2 more months and I will have been there a year! 

The cats are fine, but being little buttheads and ignoring me whilst I am I'll and in pain.
Ok, not that much pain, but I would still like to pet one of my cats. They just want to eat and nap right now.

I've been doing fairly well as of late.
I made new local friends.
I am out socializing in a non-work capacity now about 3-5 nights a week. I see my family almost every Sunday for breakfast/brunch and some Sci-Fi TV show watching.
I am currently introducing my brother and father to the joys of Warehouse 13.
Overall, I am being compliant with my meds, have a job and routine schedule, get out of my home to socialize with others, gaming again, and repairing family ties.
I'm in a better place. I can say that.

I still have hard days. I had a PTSD trigger at work a couple weeks ago, and that left me a mess for days.
I don't think a day has gone by without a thought or a million of Wash.
I miss him. So many little things and details. I wish he was still here for all the new things going on; weddings, births, graduations, careers, friends buying homes or moving away. So many daily moments of things I just want to share with him.


But I am trying to think of myself now. Which is difficult.
I am trying to think about my own wants, desires, joys. My own future, career, life.

It is not easy, but I work on that daily. It helps to distract from the pain of his loss. That has never faded. I have only found ways to distract myself from it- my job is a wonderful salve. 


I just want to think he would be proud of me.


Lungs hurt too much, so I will continue later. 
Enjoy a photo of myself in a Bane (nebulizer) mask. 
It felt like I was a dragon with that on.


4 comments:

  1. Hi Sunshine, your portrait in O2 mask is a rare and unusual glimpse into what is necessary when our lungs rebel against the rest of us. You sound a bit less stressed and that is good news for you and for us who wonder and hold good thoughts for you. I hope AZ holds jobs for people with health problems; I know Florida just dumps you on the wayside without so much as a good-bye kiss. One of the reasons I have lived in CA since 2000.

    May the kitties come around looking for dinner and petting too. My new cat has turned into a "Cat Who Prefers Outside" to my lap which is what I wanted in a kitty. But oh well, she has a personality of her own and I must honor that.

    Bless you as you recover and return to work.

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  2. It's good to see you again. I'm glad you're doing a bit better.

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  3. It was good to hear from you. I think of you often, and check in every once in a while to see if you have written something new. Sorry your lungs are not happy right now, but glad you have so many positive things going on in your life. As for the pain of losing and missing Wash, well, it will always be a part of you. As you said, you just learn to live around it. Distract from it. Take care...drop an update once in a while! :-)

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